“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”