“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley