“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin