“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi