"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Monday should be optional.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson