“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad