“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel