“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Monday should be optional.”
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand