“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
