"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden