"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein