“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama