The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti