“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope