"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."