"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie