"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous