"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe