“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill