“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.