“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.