“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty