“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson