"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams