“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone