“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"Time wounds all heels."
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone