“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“Monday should be optional.”
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott