“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
