“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"Time wounds all heels."
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey