"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe