"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous