“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
The temperature can only go up from here.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.