"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
---
“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright