All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen