Funny Quotes

The funniest quotes that have made us laugh for years, plus some more modern ones...

Funny Quotes

"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”

- Charlotte Gray.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

- Erma Bombeck
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

- Cary Grant.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland