“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard