“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown