Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde