"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy