“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay