"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten