“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin