“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey