A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray