Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
