“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith