"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud