“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
