“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck