“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”