“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous