“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas