"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.