"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White