"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis