“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Monday should be optional.”
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."