“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill