"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."