“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga