"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"