"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton