“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander