“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen