"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
