"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.