Funny Quotes

The funniest quotes that have made us laugh for years, plus some more modern ones...

Funny Quotes

“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"

- Gwyneth Paltrow
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”

- Erma Bombeck.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

- James Baldwin.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”

– Markus Zusak
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift