“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard