“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
