"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw