“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis