“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White