"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller