"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing