“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali