"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns