“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"I don't tan. I burn"
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry