"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett