“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde