“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"I don't tan. I burn"
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller