“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”