“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton