“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"I don't tan. I burn"
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde