"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw