“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen