“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.