“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau