“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman