“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano