“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher