“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl