"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson