“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes