"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary