"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson