“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney