“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear