“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"Time wounds all heels."
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”