"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith