“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
