“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
