"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman