“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey