"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho