“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood