“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin