“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin