“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
The temperature can only go up from here.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown