“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous