“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence