“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald