"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous