"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places