“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron