“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino