“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld