“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine