“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”