“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.