"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen