“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat