“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”